Possibilities

The possibilities that could have occurred gets my mind going to places that it shouldn't go. And instead of trying to push them away, I go with them. I let my mind go in a place that it shouldn't go to. Where are life could have gone if he didn't just give up. Right now I am in this weird spot of not wanting to be single and not wanting to be in a relationship and I pretty much hate dating so where does that put me in!? Yeah, I have no idea either. So I guess I will just go where the most logical place is. And where is that, you ask? On a date with this guy named Simeon. Now I won't go into how we met but we have gone on 2 dates and they have gone really well. I wouldn't mind hanging out again in fact I really like him. Hes funny, cute and has a decent job but here is where it gets stupid. I hope that it doesn't turn into a relationship even though he seems like a great guy and would be a great candidate for a relationship. Why do I not want to move and try to hang on on whats behind me instead of trying to move forward. Yes, deep down in my gut I think that my path and Ryans path will somehow cross again but I can't count on that. I feel like if I move on then I lose all those possibilities. What I should do is go on more dates and make sure I dont lose any possibilities with other guys... Smart thinking, Nicole

Loneliness

I think the most ironic thing about this whole situation that I am in is how lonely I feel. Its ironic because I have never been surrounded more from people that love me. Even when I was at "home" in Studio City I never felt lonely. It seemed like I was always waiting for Ryan to get home and I always got butterflies when I heard the keys at the door. 3 year later and he was still giving me butterflies. The comfort of having him home and walking through the door was a comfort that I have yet to find. The simple act of him walking through the door and having the first thing he did was give me a kiss was something that makes me feel so lonely because of the void of that act in my life. People have surrounded my with love, adoration and constant support but yet I feel lonely. Just because of the act of a simple kiss? There has got to be something twisted in my mind about that. Why couldn't I appreciate the time he could give me instead of harp on him for what he couldn't give. That is the glass is half empty syndrome. What a joke.

I found out that his songwriting partner Nolan just got engaged to the love of his life. The one that always got away. They broke up for a few years and went their separate ways for a while. Maybe that is what we need. Turns out she is moving up here and I really hope what happened to us does not happen to them. It is much harder when you're in the same city to give attention to one another. When you're visiting it is much different then when you are in the same city. She will realize how intense their schedule really is but I believe Nolan will make the sacrifices that a relationship needs to work. Nolan was a big issue in our relationship because I felt like he took advantage of Ryan and dumped everything on him. So, I resented him because he took the time that is needed to have a "normal"
 life and this made me lose time with Ryan. Turns out I respect Nolan. It took a break up to really see what Nolan was doing. He wasn't trying to dump the business on Ryan he just wanted to make sure he got everything done in every aspect of the his life instead of just getting everything done in his career. Good for them. I congratulate them.

And speaking of a "normal" life. What is normal? I am dating guys that have a regular 9-5 jobs and it sucks. I am finding guys that get home at 5 boring because they get home and they're tired. I am used to a guy that would work 16 hour days and still managed to get me dinner or run to the drug store to get me medicine or just plain talk to me. So what is normal to me? Yet another adjustment I guess. Not everyone has the same tenacity and drive that he had.

Reminders

The reminders are the worst. Sometimes when there is a reminder clear and bold in my face I throw my fists in the air and say "Its not funny anymore, God." I was driving on the freeway yesterday and someones license plate holder said "Petersen Car Shows." Out of all the cars, all the freeways and all license plate holders, really? My last post was at 10:23 which is Ryans birthday. Every time I turn my ipod on shuffle either one of his songs comes up or Lady Antebellums "Need you now" which is only the worst break up song to listen to. I have 2000 songs on my ipod and those are what comes up!? Its just not funny.
I kind of had a realization with Ryans side on things. Although I believe he handled all of this quite poorly. My best friend broke up with his girlfriend this weekend and she has been trying to contact him and he is ignoring her kind of like Ryan did to me. Not because he didn't care but because he cares too much. My friend was crying and it would be too hard to talk to his ex girlfriend and that is how Ryan felt. Maybe he told me that but it was like a light bulb went off. There is a reason why he bolted and went the opposite direction when he saw me on the street! It is too hard for him to see me because its painful. He loved me for so long and there were expectations that either of us really wanted at one point. It was hard for him to break it off and commend him for knowing that it could not longer work because he was not willing to sacrifice what needs to be sacrificed in any relationship. I am saddened that he will not realize this with me but that is part of growing up. Living and learning. I miss him but this is necessary because who knows if he would have ever figured it out with me. I really wished and hoped he did but he didn't. Sometimes I secretly wish he would figure it out and want to see where that could take us and maybe it will but I need to realize and come to terms with that fact that that is just not going to happen. If I do come to terms with that and it turns out he does realize this then the surprise will be that much sweeter.