I have really enjoyed expressing my feelings through writing and what is better then starting your own blog? It has been a tough year and I am really looking forward to 2011. Throughout this whole blog I am going to go into depth of what I have been going through because lets face it, my friends are really getting tired of hearing me complain about my breakup. Who is to say that I should not be talking about it anymore. I still don't understand why I still think about it, especially in such detail but I do so I am holding nothing back in this blog, in as much detail as I want. I don't want criticism or hate or judgment. I also decided that I should change the names of the people in my life, I don't want to drag their names through the mud if I talk poorly about them. So here it goes...
I have been going through a lot the last year. Trying to find where I belong has been tough. This time last year I was graduating college and looking forward to moving back down to southern California with my boyfriend, we shall call him James. I still remember counting the days of returning to be by his side. I was thrilled to finally be packing my stuff up in the truck and making my way down to Los Angeles. We got in late, around 3am and I walked up to James' apartment to find him fast asleep in his bed. I jumped right in to wake him up with kisses and I felt this feeling of relief to finally be home, in his arms where I belonged and yearned for so long.
We started talking about moving in together 3 months into our relationship so it was just exciting to finally be looking for our home. Looking back I was a little disappointed that he found no time to look for the apartments with me. But, he was in what I called the "Glee hole" He engineered for Fox's Glee and it was such an amazing opportunity for him and I was really proud. Bragged about him all the time. It was a tough gig, long hours, constant pressure. All he needed was someone to come home to that didn't add to that pressure but I did. The adjustment of being back in the same city wasn't coming along as quickly as I thought it was going to but I knew it would get there if he let it. He obviously didn't let it.
When I moved out I felt so lost, I no longer had my little home with him. And although I love the situation I am in with my roommate I really miss living with him and creating memories in our very own home. I don't have that now. My home now is shared with a friend that I don't plan creating a future with like I did with my boyfriend.
Christmas was tough because I kept thinking about how the holidays would have gone in our home together not separately not speaking. Yeah, he decided he never wants to speak to me to get over whatever he needs to get over. Very hurtful any way you cut it.
Still trying to find my own little home but by myself and although the adjustment to being single has been tough I am trying my hardest not use another person to fill the void that James has left in my life. It honestly feels like a part of my soul is missing and the relief that I felt when I returned from Davis is no longer there. The pain of not feeling quite right in a home that doesn't feel like mine makes it painful and hard to not feel the relief I felt that night. I will find it someday, with or without him or any other guy.
No comments:
Post a Comment