Patience

First off, its stupid that I changed names because everyone knows who I was talking about. It was clearly about Ryan. Lets just face it. So, screw the changing of the names.

I need to learn the value of patience. I know I believe in myself enough to know that I can and I will get to a spot where I no longer will care what Ryan is doing. I know I will achieve the goals that I am setting for myself. The business I am starting is going to be amazing! Just you wait! The life I have envisioned is still going to happen with or without Ryan. But, here in lies the problem: I am so f***ing impatient. Its a joke. I want to press the fast forward button. Patience is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties, like I don't know... devastating break ups. Patience is the level of endurance one's character can take before negativity. This is a trait that needs to be learned and WILL be learned. 

I have also need to learn to take Ryan off this pedestal that I have somehow put him on. Yes, he is a respectable man and if he wasn't I would not have spent a good chunk of time with. I also I know that I would not have actually considered marrying him and even worse having kids with him if I didn't think he was a wonderful man. Yes, he is pretty damn good looking and yes he has a great job that I used to brag about constantly. See... I am doing it again, putting him on a pedestal. The fact of the matter is he was not ready to make the sacrifices necessary to be in a committed relationship. Which I find quite confusing because he was never one to be afraid of commitment. He had an opportunity of a lifetime and he is taking it. I don't blame him but I do know that I deserve more time then he was willing to give me and until he is ready to make those sacrifices then no relationship he will be in will work. He knew he wasn't giving me what I needed/wanted. I wasn't even asking for much and he knew that. I respect that even more for him to do that even though its the most painful thing I have ever felt. Did he handle it well, no. Did I handle it well, no. Who handles break ups well!? All I know is that Layla just pounded in my head that Ryan is not GOD. He is not saving the world or curing world hunger. He is one man with priorities that need to be figured out so life does not revolve around work. He is one man that with make me realize, with patience what I can and cannot sacrifice

And so it begins...

I have really enjoyed expressing my feelings through writing and what is better then starting your own blog? It has been a tough year and I am really looking forward to 2011. Throughout this whole blog I am going to go into depth of what I have been going through because lets face it, my friends are really getting tired of hearing me complain about my breakup. Who is to say that I should not be talking about it anymore. I still don't understand why I still think about it, especially in such detail but I do so I am holding nothing back in this blog, in as much detail as I want. I don't want criticism or hate or judgment. I also decided that I should change the names of the people in my life, I don't want to drag their names through the mud if I talk poorly about them. So here it goes...

I have been going through a lot the last year. Trying to find where I belong has been tough. This time last year I was graduating college and looking forward to moving back down to southern California with my boyfriend, we shall call him James. I still remember counting the days of returning to be by his side. I was thrilled to finally be packing my stuff up in the truck and making my way down to Los Angeles. We got in late, around 3am and I walked up to James' apartment to find him fast asleep in his bed. I jumped right in to wake him up with kisses and I felt this feeling of relief to finally be home, in his arms where I belonged and yearned for so long.

We started talking about moving in together 3 months into our relationship so it was just exciting to finally be looking for our home. Looking back I was a little disappointed that he found no time to look for the apartments with me. But, he was in what I called the "Glee hole" He engineered for Fox's Glee and it was such an amazing opportunity for him and I was really proud. Bragged about him all the time. It was a tough gig, long hours, constant pressure. All he needed was someone to come home to that didn't add to that pressure but I did. The adjustment of being back in the same city wasn't coming along as quickly as I thought it was going to but I knew it would get there if he let it. He obviously didn't let it.

When I moved out I felt so lost, I no longer had my little home with him. And although I love the situation I am in with my roommate I really miss living with him and creating memories in our very own home. I don't have that now. My home now is shared with a friend that I don't plan creating a future with like I did with my boyfriend.

Christmas was tough because I kept thinking about how the holidays would have gone in our home together not separately not speaking. Yeah, he decided he never wants to speak to me to get over whatever he needs to get over. Very hurtful any way you cut it.

Still trying to find my own little home but by myself and although the adjustment to being single has been tough I am trying my hardest not use another person to fill the void that James has left in my life. It honestly feels like a part of my soul is missing and the relief that I felt when I returned from Davis is no longer there. The pain of not feeling quite right in a home that doesn't feel like mine makes it painful and hard to not feel the relief I felt that night. I will find it someday, with or without him or any other guy.