Possibilities

The possibilities that could have occurred gets my mind going to places that it shouldn't go. And instead of trying to push them away, I go with them. I let my mind go in a place that it shouldn't go to. Where are life could have gone if he didn't just give up. Right now I am in this weird spot of not wanting to be single and not wanting to be in a relationship and I pretty much hate dating so where does that put me in!? Yeah, I have no idea either. So I guess I will just go where the most logical place is. And where is that, you ask? On a date with this guy named Simeon. Now I won't go into how we met but we have gone on 2 dates and they have gone really well. I wouldn't mind hanging out again in fact I really like him. Hes funny, cute and has a decent job but here is where it gets stupid. I hope that it doesn't turn into a relationship even though he seems like a great guy and would be a great candidate for a relationship. Why do I not want to move and try to hang on on whats behind me instead of trying to move forward. Yes, deep down in my gut I think that my path and Ryans path will somehow cross again but I can't count on that. I feel like if I move on then I lose all those possibilities. What I should do is go on more dates and make sure I dont lose any possibilities with other guys... Smart thinking, Nicole

Loneliness

I think the most ironic thing about this whole situation that I am in is how lonely I feel. Its ironic because I have never been surrounded more from people that love me. Even when I was at "home" in Studio City I never felt lonely. It seemed like I was always waiting for Ryan to get home and I always got butterflies when I heard the keys at the door. 3 year later and he was still giving me butterflies. The comfort of having him home and walking through the door was a comfort that I have yet to find. The simple act of him walking through the door and having the first thing he did was give me a kiss was something that makes me feel so lonely because of the void of that act in my life. People have surrounded my with love, adoration and constant support but yet I feel lonely. Just because of the act of a simple kiss? There has got to be something twisted in my mind about that. Why couldn't I appreciate the time he could give me instead of harp on him for what he couldn't give. That is the glass is half empty syndrome. What a joke.

I found out that his songwriting partner Nolan just got engaged to the love of his life. The one that always got away. They broke up for a few years and went their separate ways for a while. Maybe that is what we need. Turns out she is moving up here and I really hope what happened to us does not happen to them. It is much harder when you're in the same city to give attention to one another. When you're visiting it is much different then when you are in the same city. She will realize how intense their schedule really is but I believe Nolan will make the sacrifices that a relationship needs to work. Nolan was a big issue in our relationship because I felt like he took advantage of Ryan and dumped everything on him. So, I resented him because he took the time that is needed to have a "normal"
 life and this made me lose time with Ryan. Turns out I respect Nolan. It took a break up to really see what Nolan was doing. He wasn't trying to dump the business on Ryan he just wanted to make sure he got everything done in every aspect of the his life instead of just getting everything done in his career. Good for them. I congratulate them.

And speaking of a "normal" life. What is normal? I am dating guys that have a regular 9-5 jobs and it sucks. I am finding guys that get home at 5 boring because they get home and they're tired. I am used to a guy that would work 16 hour days and still managed to get me dinner or run to the drug store to get me medicine or just plain talk to me. So what is normal to me? Yet another adjustment I guess. Not everyone has the same tenacity and drive that he had.

Reminders

The reminders are the worst. Sometimes when there is a reminder clear and bold in my face I throw my fists in the air and say "Its not funny anymore, God." I was driving on the freeway yesterday and someones license plate holder said "Petersen Car Shows." Out of all the cars, all the freeways and all license plate holders, really? My last post was at 10:23 which is Ryans birthday. Every time I turn my ipod on shuffle either one of his songs comes up or Lady Antebellums "Need you now" which is only the worst break up song to listen to. I have 2000 songs on my ipod and those are what comes up!? Its just not funny.
I kind of had a realization with Ryans side on things. Although I believe he handled all of this quite poorly. My best friend broke up with his girlfriend this weekend and she has been trying to contact him and he is ignoring her kind of like Ryan did to me. Not because he didn't care but because he cares too much. My friend was crying and it would be too hard to talk to his ex girlfriend and that is how Ryan felt. Maybe he told me that but it was like a light bulb went off. There is a reason why he bolted and went the opposite direction when he saw me on the street! It is too hard for him to see me because its painful. He loved me for so long and there were expectations that either of us really wanted at one point. It was hard for him to break it off and commend him for knowing that it could not longer work because he was not willing to sacrifice what needs to be sacrificed in any relationship. I am saddened that he will not realize this with me but that is part of growing up. Living and learning. I miss him but this is necessary because who knows if he would have ever figured it out with me. I really wished and hoped he did but he didn't. Sometimes I secretly wish he would figure it out and want to see where that could take us and maybe it will but I need to realize and come to terms with that fact that that is just not going to happen. If I do come to terms with that and it turns out he does realize this then the surprise will be that much sweeter.

Patience

First off, its stupid that I changed names because everyone knows who I was talking about. It was clearly about Ryan. Lets just face it. So, screw the changing of the names.

I need to learn the value of patience. I know I believe in myself enough to know that I can and I will get to a spot where I no longer will care what Ryan is doing. I know I will achieve the goals that I am setting for myself. The business I am starting is going to be amazing! Just you wait! The life I have envisioned is still going to happen with or without Ryan. But, here in lies the problem: I am so f***ing impatient. Its a joke. I want to press the fast forward button. Patience is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, especially when faced with longer-term difficulties, like I don't know... devastating break ups. Patience is the level of endurance one's character can take before negativity. This is a trait that needs to be learned and WILL be learned. 

I have also need to learn to take Ryan off this pedestal that I have somehow put him on. Yes, he is a respectable man and if he wasn't I would not have spent a good chunk of time with. I also I know that I would not have actually considered marrying him and even worse having kids with him if I didn't think he was a wonderful man. Yes, he is pretty damn good looking and yes he has a great job that I used to brag about constantly. See... I am doing it again, putting him on a pedestal. The fact of the matter is he was not ready to make the sacrifices necessary to be in a committed relationship. Which I find quite confusing because he was never one to be afraid of commitment. He had an opportunity of a lifetime and he is taking it. I don't blame him but I do know that I deserve more time then he was willing to give me and until he is ready to make those sacrifices then no relationship he will be in will work. He knew he wasn't giving me what I needed/wanted. I wasn't even asking for much and he knew that. I respect that even more for him to do that even though its the most painful thing I have ever felt. Did he handle it well, no. Did I handle it well, no. Who handles break ups well!? All I know is that Layla just pounded in my head that Ryan is not GOD. He is not saving the world or curing world hunger. He is one man with priorities that need to be figured out so life does not revolve around work. He is one man that with make me realize, with patience what I can and cannot sacrifice

And so it begins...

I have really enjoyed expressing my feelings through writing and what is better then starting your own blog? It has been a tough year and I am really looking forward to 2011. Throughout this whole blog I am going to go into depth of what I have been going through because lets face it, my friends are really getting tired of hearing me complain about my breakup. Who is to say that I should not be talking about it anymore. I still don't understand why I still think about it, especially in such detail but I do so I am holding nothing back in this blog, in as much detail as I want. I don't want criticism or hate or judgment. I also decided that I should change the names of the people in my life, I don't want to drag their names through the mud if I talk poorly about them. So here it goes...

I have been going through a lot the last year. Trying to find where I belong has been tough. This time last year I was graduating college and looking forward to moving back down to southern California with my boyfriend, we shall call him James. I still remember counting the days of returning to be by his side. I was thrilled to finally be packing my stuff up in the truck and making my way down to Los Angeles. We got in late, around 3am and I walked up to James' apartment to find him fast asleep in his bed. I jumped right in to wake him up with kisses and I felt this feeling of relief to finally be home, in his arms where I belonged and yearned for so long.

We started talking about moving in together 3 months into our relationship so it was just exciting to finally be looking for our home. Looking back I was a little disappointed that he found no time to look for the apartments with me. But, he was in what I called the "Glee hole" He engineered for Fox's Glee and it was such an amazing opportunity for him and I was really proud. Bragged about him all the time. It was a tough gig, long hours, constant pressure. All he needed was someone to come home to that didn't add to that pressure but I did. The adjustment of being back in the same city wasn't coming along as quickly as I thought it was going to but I knew it would get there if he let it. He obviously didn't let it.

When I moved out I felt so lost, I no longer had my little home with him. And although I love the situation I am in with my roommate I really miss living with him and creating memories in our very own home. I don't have that now. My home now is shared with a friend that I don't plan creating a future with like I did with my boyfriend.

Christmas was tough because I kept thinking about how the holidays would have gone in our home together not separately not speaking. Yeah, he decided he never wants to speak to me to get over whatever he needs to get over. Very hurtful any way you cut it.

Still trying to find my own little home but by myself and although the adjustment to being single has been tough I am trying my hardest not use another person to fill the void that James has left in my life. It honestly feels like a part of my soul is missing and the relief that I felt when I returned from Davis is no longer there. The pain of not feeling quite right in a home that doesn't feel like mine makes it painful and hard to not feel the relief I felt that night. I will find it someday, with or without him or any other guy.